Shame to the one who traps a wild spirit
Wrapping it in domestic linens
Packing it away
To be carried around like baggage
Bumped and shuffled and abused
Collected, borrowed, lent and stolen
Forgotten
Lost
Shame to the wild spirit that can be trapped
(1994)
Monday, April 23, 2012
A Moment of Peace
As I lie
In this open field, I decide
I decide that there is nothing better
Than the smell of wet grass on a Spring morning
And I call on the peace label
Which is filed in the back corner of my mind
And hang it on the edge of the moment
Clinging to the feeling
Praying it might last
Knowing that
As gently as it came
It will pass with the wind
It is only for now
And that is enough
~Spring 1994
In this open field, I decide
I decide that there is nothing better
Than the smell of wet grass on a Spring morning
And I call on the peace label
Which is filed in the back corner of my mind
And hang it on the edge of the moment
Clinging to the feeling
Praying it might last
Knowing that
As gently as it came
It will pass with the wind
It is only for now
And that is enough
~Spring 1994
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
My ADHD Blog post #5 Project Hopping and Shadow Boxing
Having ADHD for many undiagnosed years has lead me to live a cyclical pattern of lifestyle, diving head first into projects that I can easily master and get the kind of adrenaline rush that feels so good that I just want more. I continue to take on project after project until the rush is continuous. Unfortunately, once the rush of adrenaline is continuous, the projects have piled up to a such a degree that I become overwhelmed and punchy and start to miss things. Results begin to change and success becomes spotty at best. At this point, I am basically shadow boxing and hoping to hit something.
When I was younger, I would get to that point of shadow boxing and, of course, something would give and I would run away and hide, in one way, or another, and let everything come crashing down. I simply refused to take responsibility and often people around me would feel hurt and confused and totally let down.
Not only did I let people around me down, but I set myself up for failure and self loathing, and the adrenaline rush quickly turned from a sweet feeling high, to an elevated and profound feeling of stress and pressure. Pressure that, on the other side of the crash, manifested itself as guilt.
Ironically, through my adult years, I have also been a seeker of simplicity, peace and mindfulness (on the other hand, maybe not so ironic that I would want these things. Ha!). While I am still working on not getting caught up in the patterns, I have learned to slow it down, take more responsibility, use my adrenaline powers for good and not evil (couldn’t help myself) and recognize signs of chaos in the midst of my “project hopping”.
I imagine myself as Samantha Stevens; Endora levitating over the dining room table, critiquing my every desire for normalcy and my poor choice in mortal matrimony “Darwin”; Aunt Clara digging through her disastrous carpet bag of misfit tricks, trying sincerely to help; cousin Serena making herself at home in the master bedroom in order to steal Darren upon arrival; and Uncle Arthur inside the hall mirror, laughing and wanting to get in on the fun. All the while, a whirlwind of household appliances circling in the air around me to the tune of a children’s carousel ride – and of course, Darren is bringing Larry Tate home for dinner to discuss a very important business meeting, and they are due home any minute. Savvy?
Knowing I am in over my head, I wiggle my nose and snap! Everything and everyone is frozen in time. I take a deep breath and sit down for a quick, but relaxing sip of tea, raise my left eyebrow (much like Scarlet O’Hara), look from side to side through my sexy false eyelashes and by George, I’ve got it!
Jennifer’s back now. Here is a little something that I’ve learned along my pursuit of balance and peacefulness:
Behold the power of tea: I make a list of household items, I mean projects, in the air and prioritize them in order of deadlines/urgency/importance. Utilize my adrenaline and finish one thing at a time and take responsibility for each and every project as executed to the very best of my ability. I remind myself to stay open to learning new ways to do things and enjoy the people I work with and work for, free myself of guilt because I did my best, and finally, give myself a decent break to rest and spend quality time with my family.
I am still learning that there is a fine line between multi-tasking and juggling, and someday I hope to see that line more clearly and hopefully earlier in the cycle. I pray for guidance from God, the universe, family, friends and my own experience each day. I strive not for perfection, but to be a better person because there is always room for improvement.
And again my thoughts take me to Samantha Stevens and her quest for normalcy in a mortal world. Chaos is lurking around every corner. Forget about being normal, Sam. Just wiggle your nose, babe.
Stay tuned for my next ADHD Blog: Getting My Ducks in a Row (and by “ducks”, I mean “physical health, spiritual health and emotional health” and by “row”, I mean “in that order”). Why do I Resist?
Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel! (and by “time”, I mean… whatever.)
When I was younger, I would get to that point of shadow boxing and, of course, something would give and I would run away and hide, in one way, or another, and let everything come crashing down. I simply refused to take responsibility and often people around me would feel hurt and confused and totally let down.
Not only did I let people around me down, but I set myself up for failure and self loathing, and the adrenaline rush quickly turned from a sweet feeling high, to an elevated and profound feeling of stress and pressure. Pressure that, on the other side of the crash, manifested itself as guilt.
Ironically, through my adult years, I have also been a seeker of simplicity, peace and mindfulness (on the other hand, maybe not so ironic that I would want these things. Ha!). While I am still working on not getting caught up in the patterns, I have learned to slow it down, take more responsibility, use my adrenaline powers for good and not evil (couldn’t help myself) and recognize signs of chaos in the midst of my “project hopping”.
I imagine myself as Samantha Stevens; Endora levitating over the dining room table, critiquing my every desire for normalcy and my poor choice in mortal matrimony “Darwin”; Aunt Clara digging through her disastrous carpet bag of misfit tricks, trying sincerely to help; cousin Serena making herself at home in the master bedroom in order to steal Darren upon arrival; and Uncle Arthur inside the hall mirror, laughing and wanting to get in on the fun. All the while, a whirlwind of household appliances circling in the air around me to the tune of a children’s carousel ride – and of course, Darren is bringing Larry Tate home for dinner to discuss a very important business meeting, and they are due home any minute. Savvy?
Knowing I am in over my head, I wiggle my nose and snap! Everything and everyone is frozen in time. I take a deep breath and sit down for a quick, but relaxing sip of tea, raise my left eyebrow (much like Scarlet O’Hara), look from side to side through my sexy false eyelashes and by George, I’ve got it!
Jennifer’s back now. Here is a little something that I’ve learned along my pursuit of balance and peacefulness:
Behold the power of tea: I make a list of household items, I mean projects, in the air and prioritize them in order of deadlines/urgency/importance. Utilize my adrenaline and finish one thing at a time and take responsibility for each and every project as executed to the very best of my ability. I remind myself to stay open to learning new ways to do things and enjoy the people I work with and work for, free myself of guilt because I did my best, and finally, give myself a decent break to rest and spend quality time with my family.
I am still learning that there is a fine line between multi-tasking and juggling, and someday I hope to see that line more clearly and hopefully earlier in the cycle. I pray for guidance from God, the universe, family, friends and my own experience each day. I strive not for perfection, but to be a better person because there is always room for improvement.
And again my thoughts take me to Samantha Stevens and her quest for normalcy in a mortal world. Chaos is lurking around every corner. Forget about being normal, Sam. Just wiggle your nose, babe.
Stay tuned for my next ADHD Blog: Getting My Ducks in a Row (and by “ducks”, I mean “physical health, spiritual health and emotional health” and by “row”, I mean “in that order”). Why do I Resist?
Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel! (and by “time”, I mean… whatever.)
Friday, February 24, 2012
Hereandnow Haiku
hold my breath all week
sun breaks through and I feel strong
one song breaks the dam
sun breaks through and I feel strong
one song breaks the dam
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My ADHD #4 Un-medicated grocery shopping.
Recently, I was informed by my pharmacist that there is a shortage on my focus meds, which is not a really big deal - I’m willing to try something else, but it would have been nice to know before I was completely out of medication. I was off my medication for about a week before they were able to locate enough for me to get through until my next doctor’s appointment. It was a challenging week for sure.
Stress exacerbates my ADD and makes my symptoms worse and of course as my symptoms worsen, I get more stressed. It’s a crazy, accelerated merry-go-round. Sound fun?
Off my meds, while I’m working, I continuously leave epic voice mails for potential clients. I start out scattered and then try to get clear, so I go back and try to reinforce certain points and basically end up repeating myself and then the OCD sets in and I cannot hang up until I feel that I’ve made some sense. It’s not pretty.
This is a very typical example. Not so funny when it affects my livelihood, eh?
Here is something funny:
I went to the grocery store (2 different stores actually) and spent well over $200. No big deal, right? Wrong. I wasn’t shopping for the month, or even the week. I have very little to show for it. Here is a typical day at the market(s) for un-medicated Jennifer:
Walks into the gourmet store and immediately grabs a small basket because I’m just there to buy a few things for dinner and check out the heirloom tomatoes. Judges the tiny display of heirlooms. Adds all the heirlooms to basket. Then the okra looks interesting and so does the ready-made fruit salad with the beautiful kiwi fruit, showing off like a pig on parade. Adds both to basket. Oh, adores the seafood salad at the deli counter and asks for a taste. Loves it! Adds it to basket. The pastries smell divine and I remember that I just made a chocolate cake (how lucky for me!), so I divert myself to the cheese extravaganza! We do so love cheese! Thinks of Quinn saying “Gouda is goooodahhh!”, puts Gouda in basket. Walks to front of store and switches from basket to small cart. Now, of course, I’m thinking of Quinn… She loves the Orangina, puts that into the cart and sees the mini/slender diet coke cans.. How adorable! Adds to cart. Buys a market recommended wine. Thinks of Husband, knows that he will wonder why I didn’t buy him a special beer. Buys him a nice, special IPA 6 pack. Sees the fresh spice display, thinks of making Pho Ga, gathers various spices… notices the bulk candy section and thinks of banshees. Adds candy to cart. Remembers Friday Heart-attack Burger Night and buys fancy BBQ kettle chips and pays an unspeakable amount at check stand.
Stops at the big grocery store. Why? Well, I can’t say.
Buys various things for no reason. Calls Husband and asks if he needs anything. Husband says "We need toilet paper". Adds various things to cart and checks out. Forgets toilet paper.
Stress exacerbates my ADD and makes my symptoms worse and of course as my symptoms worsen, I get more stressed. It’s a crazy, accelerated merry-go-round. Sound fun?
Off my meds, while I’m working, I continuously leave epic voice mails for potential clients. I start out scattered and then try to get clear, so I go back and try to reinforce certain points and basically end up repeating myself and then the OCD sets in and I cannot hang up until I feel that I’ve made some sense. It’s not pretty.
This is a very typical example. Not so funny when it affects my livelihood, eh?
Here is something funny:
I went to the grocery store (2 different stores actually) and spent well over $200. No big deal, right? Wrong. I wasn’t shopping for the month, or even the week. I have very little to show for it. Here is a typical day at the market(s) for un-medicated Jennifer:
Walks into the gourmet store and immediately grabs a small basket because I’m just there to buy a few things for dinner and check out the heirloom tomatoes. Judges the tiny display of heirlooms. Adds all the heirlooms to basket. Then the okra looks interesting and so does the ready-made fruit salad with the beautiful kiwi fruit, showing off like a pig on parade. Adds both to basket. Oh, adores the seafood salad at the deli counter and asks for a taste. Loves it! Adds it to basket. The pastries smell divine and I remember that I just made a chocolate cake (how lucky for me!), so I divert myself to the cheese extravaganza! We do so love cheese! Thinks of Quinn saying “Gouda is goooodahhh!”, puts Gouda in basket. Walks to front of store and switches from basket to small cart. Now, of course, I’m thinking of Quinn… She loves the Orangina, puts that into the cart and sees the mini/slender diet coke cans.. How adorable! Adds to cart. Buys a market recommended wine. Thinks of Husband, knows that he will wonder why I didn’t buy him a special beer. Buys him a nice, special IPA 6 pack. Sees the fresh spice display, thinks of making Pho Ga, gathers various spices… notices the bulk candy section and thinks of banshees. Adds candy to cart. Remembers Friday Heart-attack Burger Night and buys fancy BBQ kettle chips and pays an unspeakable amount at check stand.
Stops at the big grocery store. Why? Well, I can’t say.
Buys various things for no reason. Calls Husband and asks if he needs anything. Husband says "We need toilet paper". Adds various things to cart and checks out. Forgets toilet paper.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
My ADHD Blog #3 How to Read
After having purchased Out of Oz, the fourth and last book in my favorite series, on the day it was released, I hesitated to open the book at all. When my husband asked me why I haven’t been reading the book I was so anxious to get my hands on, I picked up the book, thought for a second and answered “If I start reading it, then eventually I’ll finish and it will be over.” I know it sounds childish, but I have really enjoyed these books!
I finally decided to open my book and before I realized it, I was about a third of the way through. I needed a distraction. Ironic, right? ADHD engage. We had a trip to the used book store this afternoon and I went a little bit crazy. My birthday mad money was burning a hole in my virtual pocketbook, so I bought three books on social responsibility, three work related books, a book for children who want to write fiction (which I’d like to read before giving it to my daughters), a quick read novel and Al Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize Lecture.
I’ve started three of the books, which are better than I expected, and I am going to reward myself tonight by reading a bit of Out of Oz. It seems more chaotic and obsessive here in writing than it does in my brainspace. I’m excited though, because tomorrow is housework & laundry day, so I’ll probably get a lot of reading done.
I finally decided to open my book and before I realized it, I was about a third of the way through. I needed a distraction. Ironic, right? ADHD engage. We had a trip to the used book store this afternoon and I went a little bit crazy. My birthday mad money was burning a hole in my virtual pocketbook, so I bought three books on social responsibility, three work related books, a book for children who want to write fiction (which I’d like to read before giving it to my daughters), a quick read novel and Al Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize Lecture.
I’ve started three of the books, which are better than I expected, and I am going to reward myself tonight by reading a bit of Out of Oz. It seems more chaotic and obsessive here in writing than it does in my brainspace. I’m excited though, because tomorrow is housework & laundry day, so I’ll probably get a lot of reading done.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
ADHD Blog #2 part two: Housework
A dissection of a day in my life of housework:
Gets kids off to school. Has coffee. Checks email. Checks Facebook. Checks Twitter. Spews random thoughts on Twitter. Reads through Facebook news feed. Replies to Facebook comments/posts. Replies to emails. Journals. Showers. Wonders where to start on housework (sometimes makes a list that I never follow – sometimes makes a list of lists that I need to make – forgets about lists). Starts with dishes. Starts to empty dishwasher. Takes one coffee cup out of dishwasher and thinks “another cup of coffee sounds good”. Makes a second cup of coffee. Sits down with coffee and looks at Twitter/Facebook. Checks email. Decides that now is a good time to pay bills. Pays one bill. Looks through piles of mail for other bills. Sees a coupon for Kohl’s. Checks Kohl’s website. Realizes that coffee cup is empty. Takes cup (along with cup used earlier) to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. Sees dishwasher open. Goes back to emptying dishwasher. Eats breakfast. Takes dish to kitchen. Sees empty, open dishwasher. Realizes I forgot to refill dishwasher with dirty dishes. Fills dishwasher. Makes coffee. Remembers bills that need to be found and paid. Goes back to piles of mail. Feels irritated about all the piles of mail. Makes one big pile of mail. Dusts table in the entry where the piles had been. Decides to dust livingroom. Realizes that a million toys need to be picked up. Takes a million toys into kids room. Notices dirty clothes on kids room floor. Picks up dirty clothes in kids room. Takes clothes to washing machine. Clothes in washing machine have been there too long. Drops dirty clothes on top of laundry mountain and turns on washer to rewash clothes. Turns on dryer to fluff clothes before folding. Goes up stairs. Thinks about lunch. Makes coffee instead. Remembers bills. Finds a few bills. Sits down at computer with coffee and bills. Checks Facebook. Checks Twitter. Forgets about bills. Forgets about housework. Looks at time. Panics! Grabs dog and runs like a mad woman to bus stop. Picks up kids. Chats with bus stop moms. Goes home and does homework with kids. Makes dinner. Opens the dishwasher and realizes that I forgot to turn on dishwasher. Turns on dishwasher. Eats dinner with family. Realizes that I forgot to go through kids backpacks. Finds out that tomorrow is spirit day. Grabs spirit shirts and runs downstairs and empties dryer, moves clothes from washer to dryer. Washes spirit shirts. Goes to bed. Wakes up to realize that I forgot to move spirit shirts from washer to dryer. Runs downstairs empties dryer into basket. Puts spirit shirts in dryer. Forgets about clean clothes in basket. Helps kids get ready for school (except for spirit shirts) until the very last minute. Grabs spirit shirts out of dryer and feels like crying because THANK THE GODS, they’re actually dry. Sends kids to school. Checks email. Checks Twitter. Checks Facebook. Thinks about vacuuming…
Gets kids off to school. Has coffee. Checks email. Checks Facebook. Checks Twitter. Spews random thoughts on Twitter. Reads through Facebook news feed. Replies to Facebook comments/posts. Replies to emails. Journals. Showers. Wonders where to start on housework (sometimes makes a list that I never follow – sometimes makes a list of lists that I need to make – forgets about lists). Starts with dishes. Starts to empty dishwasher. Takes one coffee cup out of dishwasher and thinks “another cup of coffee sounds good”. Makes a second cup of coffee. Sits down with coffee and looks at Twitter/Facebook. Checks email. Decides that now is a good time to pay bills. Pays one bill. Looks through piles of mail for other bills. Sees a coupon for Kohl’s. Checks Kohl’s website. Realizes that coffee cup is empty. Takes cup (along with cup used earlier) to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. Sees dishwasher open. Goes back to emptying dishwasher. Eats breakfast. Takes dish to kitchen. Sees empty, open dishwasher. Realizes I forgot to refill dishwasher with dirty dishes. Fills dishwasher. Makes coffee. Remembers bills that need to be found and paid. Goes back to piles of mail. Feels irritated about all the piles of mail. Makes one big pile of mail. Dusts table in the entry where the piles had been. Decides to dust livingroom. Realizes that a million toys need to be picked up. Takes a million toys into kids room. Notices dirty clothes on kids room floor. Picks up dirty clothes in kids room. Takes clothes to washing machine. Clothes in washing machine have been there too long. Drops dirty clothes on top of laundry mountain and turns on washer to rewash clothes. Turns on dryer to fluff clothes before folding. Goes up stairs. Thinks about lunch. Makes coffee instead. Remembers bills. Finds a few bills. Sits down at computer with coffee and bills. Checks Facebook. Checks Twitter. Forgets about bills. Forgets about housework. Looks at time. Panics! Grabs dog and runs like a mad woman to bus stop. Picks up kids. Chats with bus stop moms. Goes home and does homework with kids. Makes dinner. Opens the dishwasher and realizes that I forgot to turn on dishwasher. Turns on dishwasher. Eats dinner with family. Realizes that I forgot to go through kids backpacks. Finds out that tomorrow is spirit day. Grabs spirit shirts and runs downstairs and empties dryer, moves clothes from washer to dryer. Washes spirit shirts. Goes to bed. Wakes up to realize that I forgot to move spirit shirts from washer to dryer. Runs downstairs empties dryer into basket. Puts spirit shirts in dryer. Forgets about clean clothes in basket. Helps kids get ready for school (except for spirit shirts) until the very last minute. Grabs spirit shirts out of dryer and feels like crying because THANK THE GODS, they’re actually dry. Sends kids to school. Checks email. Checks Twitter. Checks Facebook. Thinks about vacuuming…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)